I hate shopping. I also hate holiday lines and traffic and everything that comes with it. Since moving to Texas I’ve also come to realize very few things feel Christmas-y without any snow. I know some Texas fans like to shop online (and everyone in this enormous mini-country seems to be obsessed with the Longhorns). But what do you do when you don’t know what to get someone because they’re a TCU fan, or an Aggies fan (hooray Johnny Football!) or EGADS, they’re not a football fan!

Whoa, let that sink in for a second. Turns out some people in this state don’t love football. They live in caves in the outskirts of West Texas, but I’m telling you, they’re out there. Be forewarned.

In the case you have someone like this to shop for (*currently shaking my head*) you have a few options:

  • Get a personal shopper. Yes, these people cost money, but if it saves you the trouble of having to deal with malls full of morons (MFOMs - write that down). Now where do you find one of these? Beats me - I’d start with Craigslist. It’s a down economy so there are people out there that will do anything for money. Bet on that.
  • Don’t buy them anything. Sometimes some cosmic justice just needs to happen. Teach someone a lesson by buying them nothing.
  • An offshoot of this is to disappear on Christmas. Go take in a movie or go bowling and don’t tell anyone where you’re going.
  • If you want to still be a decent guy, you could just go get them a GiftZip egift card which is a great last minute CYA move. Can’t say I haven’t done that in a moment of “Woops, I forgot you had your _____ today.”

Well, that’s it. Please send donations and royalty checks directly to me. Don’t be stingy, it makes me angry.